As we approach the end of another month – I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed..hmmmm

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

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The military has been called in, and they’re getting special assistance with finally sealing and capping that leaking oil well in the Gulf of Mexico…

Indian Chief, “Two Eagles,” was asked by a white government official, “You have observed the white man for 90 years.  You’ve seen his wars and his technological advances.  You’ve seen his progress, and the damage he’s done.” The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, “Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?”

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. “When white man find land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty fish, clean water; Women did all the work and medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex.”

Then the chief leaned back and smiled.
“Only white man dumb enough to think he can improve system like that.

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your business trip
I just want to let you know about the

Small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway.

Fortunately not too bad and I really didn’t get hurt, so please don’t worry too

Much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I

Accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.

The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when

it bumped into your car.
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Appearing online since early 2005, Chuck Norris facts, factoids and quotations on Chuck Norris just wouldn’t die. In fact it is growing and gaining new and younger following thanks to numerous websites and stores spreading Chuck Norris quotes and funny lines- it has entered into popular culture.

The facts are mostly funny if not silly hyperbolic claims about Norris’s toughness, attitude, virility, sophistication, and masculinity- even immortality! The guy’s a legend. Here are samples:

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From a strictly mathematical viewpoint . . . . .

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever
wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We
have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over
100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,
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Bottled water in your car can be very dangerous .

This was how Sheryl Crow got breast cancer. She was on the Ellen show and said this same exact thing. This has been identified as the most common cause of the high levels in breast cancer, especially in Australia ..

A friend whose mother was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. The Doctor told her: women should not drink bottled water that has been left in a car.

The doctor said that the heat and the plastic of the bottle have certain chemicals that can lead to breast cancer. So please be careful and do not drink bottled water that has been left in a car, and, pass this on to all the women in your life.

This information is the kind we need to know and be aware and just might save us!!!! The heat causes toxins from the plastic to leak into the water and they have found these toxins in breast tissue. Use a stainless steel Canteen or a glass bottle when you can!

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.

Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.

Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope… Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

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Have a history teacher explain this—– if they can.

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head

Now it gets really weird.
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click photo to enlare image.

The world’s largest water bridge (or canal bridge), built over the Elbe River in Magdeburg, Germany at a cost of 500 million Euros. Completed in December 2003, the bridge is 918 meters long and has been modestly described as “a giant, kilometer-long concrete bathtub.” See sources below for more information. (about.com)

Sources and further reading:

Europe’s Largest Water Bridge Opens
Deutsche Welle, 10 October 2003

Canal Bridge Magdeburg
Dillinger Hütte GTS, company Web site

I was shocked, confused, bewildered
as I entered Heaven’s door,
Not by the beauty of it all,
nor the lights or its decor.

But it was the folks in Heaven
who made me sputter and gasp–
the thieves, the liars, the sinners,
the alcoholics and the trash.

There stood the kid from seventh grade
who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to him was my old neighbor
who never said anything nice.
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France & Denmark have banned it from the country…

RED BULL – slow death …
RED BULL – slow death …
RED BULL – slow death …

Do NOT drink this drink anymore!!
Pay attention; read it all

As a public health safety, please pass on this email to all the contacts in your address book especially those with teenage children?

This drink is SOLD in all the supermarkets IN OUR country and our children ARE CONSUMING IT ON A TRIAL BASIS, IT can be mortal.

RED BULL was created to stimulate the brains in people who are subjected to great physical force and in stress coma and never to be consumed like an innocent drink or soda pop.

RED BULL IS the energizer DRINK that is commercialized world-wide with its slogan:’It increases endurance; awakens the concentration capacity and the speed of reaction, offers more energy and improves the mood. All this can be found in a can of RED BULL , the power drink of the millennium.
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