Viral Emails

Women always has a Clever answer

Man: “Haven’t we met before?”
Woman: “Yes, I’m the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic.”

Man: “Haven’t I seen you someplace before?”
Woman: “Yeah, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.”

Man: “Is this seat empty?”
Woman: “Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.”

Man: “So, wanna go back to my place?”
Woman: “Well, I don’t know. Will two people fit under a rock?”

Man: “Your place or mine?”
Woman: “Both. You go to yours and I’ll go to mine.”

Man: “I’d like to call you. What’s your number?”
Woman: “It’s in the phone book.”

Man: “But I don’t know your name.”
Woman: “That’s in the phone book too.”

Man: “So what do you do for a living?”
Woman: “I’m a female impersonator.”

Man: “I know how to please a woman.”
Woman: “Then please leave me alone.”

Man: “I want to give myself to you.”
Woman: “Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts.”

Man: “I can tell that you want me.”
Woman: “Ohhhh. You’re so right. I want you…to leave.”

Man: “Hey cutie, how ’bout you and I hitting the hot spots?”
Woman: “Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.”

Man: “May I see you pretty soon?”
Woman: “Why? Don’t you think I’m pretty now?”

Man: “Your body is like a temple.”
Woman: “Sorry, there are no services today.”

Man: “I’d go through anything for you.”
Woman: “Good! Let’s start with your bank account.”

Man: “I would go to the end of the world for you.”
Woman: “Yes, but would you stay there?”

Dress Code

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.

If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore do not need a raise.

If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore do not need a raise.

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Sick Days

We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness.

If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

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Personal Days

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

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Toilet Use

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls.

At the end of the three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken.

After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the “Chronic Offenders category”.

Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company’s mental health policy!

You are allowed to use the rest room only thrice a day and you have to swipe in and out from the toilet doors also.

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Lunch Break

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a slim fast.

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Mails

Don’t read junk and forwarded mails.

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Thank you for your loyalty to our company.

We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, All questions, comments,concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management.

George Carlin on aging!
(Absolutely Brilliant)

IF YOU DON’T READ THIS TO THE VERY END, YOU HAVE LOST A DAY IN YOUR LIFE. AND WHEN YOU HAVE FINISHED, DO AS I AM DOING AND SEND IT ON.

George Carlin’s Views on Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we’re kids? If you’re less than 10 years old, you’re so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

‘How old are you?’ ‘I’m four and a half!’ You’re never thirty-six and a half. You’re four and a half, going on five! That’s the key.

You get into your teens, now they can’t hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

‘How old are you?’ ‘I’m gonna be 16!’ You could be 13, but hey, you’ re gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life! You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There’s no fun now, you’re Just a sour-dumpling.. What’s wrong? What’s changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you’re PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it’s all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

But! Wait!! ! You MAKE it to 60. You didn’t think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, and REACH 50 and make it to 60.

You’ve built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it’s a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into! your 80’s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn’t end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; ‘I Was JUST 92.’

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. ‘I’m 100 and a half!’
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay ‘them.’

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. ! Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever, even ham radio. Never let the brain idle. ‘An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.’ And the devil’s family name is Alzheimer’s.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it’s family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don’t take guilt trips.. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments
that take our breath away.
And if you don’t send this to at least 8 people - who cares? But do share this with someone. We all need to live life to its fullest each day!!

(May 12, 1937 – June 22, 2008)

Life’s journey is not to
arrive at the grave safely
in a well preserved body,
but rather to skid in sideways,
totally worn out, shouting
“…holy sh*t …what a ride!”

Sometimes…

when you cry…

no one sees your tears.

Sometimes…

when you are in pain…

no one sees your hurt.

Sometimes.

when you are worried..

no one sees your stress

Sometimes.

when you are happy..

no one sees your smile ..

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But FART!! just ONE time…

And everybody knows!!

Gotcha!! You thought this was going to be one of those heart-touching stories!