The world’s funniest joke is a term used by Richard Wiseman of the University of Hertfordshire in 2002 to summarize one of the results of his research. For his experiment, named LaughLab, he created a website where people could rate and submit jokes. Purposes of the research included discovering the joke that had the widest appeal and understanding among different cultures, demographics and countries.

The History Channel eventually hosted a special on the subject.

The jokes

The winning joke, which was later found to be based on a 1951 Goon show sketch by Spike Milligan, was submitted by Gurpal Gosall of Manchester:

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”. The operator says “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says “OK, now what?”

The second place finisher and early leader was this joke, submitted by Geoff Anandappa of Blackpool:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, and after finishing their dinner they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.” “I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” exclaims Watson. “And what do you deduce from that?” Watson ponders for a minute. “Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?” “Watson, you idiot!” he exclaims, “Somebody’s stolen our tent!”

While this was the top joke in the UK:

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

 

Lifted from Wikipedia

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, ‘Esther, I’d like to ride in that helicopter.’

Esther always replied, ‘I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars’

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, ‘Esther, I’m 85 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.’

To this, Esther replied, ‘Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.’

The pilot overheard the couple and said, ‘Folks I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won’t charge you! But if you say one word, it’s fifty dollars.’

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, ‘By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed!’

Morris replied, ‘Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!’

In Honor of Stupid People . . .

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) –

‘Do not turn upside down.’
(well…duh, a bit late, huh!)
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On Sainsbury’s peanuts –
‘Warning: contains nuts.’
(talk about a news flash)
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On Boot’s Children Cough Medicine --
‘Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking
this medication.’

(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we
could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

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On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding –
‘Product will be hot after heating.’
(…and you thought????…)

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On a Sears hairdryer –
Do not use while sleeping.
(That’s the only time I have to work on my hair.)

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On a bag of Fritos –
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

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On a bar of Dial soap –
‘Directions: Use like regular soap.’
(and that would be???….)

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On some Swanson frozen dinners –
‘Serving suggestion: Defrost.’
(but, it’s just a suggestion.)
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On packaging for a Rowenta iron –
‘Do not iron clothes on body.’
(but wouldn’t this save me time?)

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On Nytol Sleep Aid –
‘Warning: May cause drowsiness.’
(…I’m taking this because???….)

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On most brands of Christmas lights –
‘For indoor or outdoor use only.’
(as opposed to what?)

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On a Japanese food processor –
‘Not to be used for the other use.’
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I’m a bit curious.)

==============================

On an American Airlines packet of nuts –
‘Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.’
(Step 3: say what?)
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On a child’s Superman costume –
‘Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.’
(I don’t blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

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On a Swedish chainsaw –
‘Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.’
(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
===========================

Now that you’ve smiled at least once, it’s your turn to spread the stupidity to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even chuckle)…

(Religious content)

Just wanna share this message….

This is one of the best explanations of why God allows pain and suffering that I have seen…

A man went to a barbershop to have his hair cut and his beard trimmed.
As the barber began to work, they began to have a good conversation.
They talked about so many things and various subjects.
When they eventually touched on the subject of God, the barber said:
“I don’t believe that God exists.”

“Why do you say that?” asked the customer. “Well, you just have to go out in the street to realize that God doesn’t exist. Tell me, if God exists, would there be so many sick people?
Would there be abandoned children?

If God existed, there would be neither suffering nor pain.
I can’t imagine a loving God who would allow all of these things.”
The customer thought for a moment, but didn’t respond because he didn’t want to start an argument.
The barber finished his job and the customer left the shop.

Just after he left the barbershop, he saw a man in the street with long, stringy, dirty hair and an untrimmed beard. He looked dirty and unkempt. The customer turned back and entered the barber shop again and he said to the barber:

“You know what? Barbers do not exist.”
“How can you say that?” asked the surprised barber.
“I am here, and I am a barber. And I just worked on you!”
“No!” the customer exclaimed. “Barbers don’t exist because
if they did, there would be no people with dirty long hair and untrimmed beards, like that man outside.”

“Ah, but barbers DO exist! That’s what happens when people do not come to me.”
“Exactly!” affirmed the customer. “That’s the point! God, too, DOES exist!
That’s what happens when people do not go to Him and don’t look to Him for help.
That’s why there’s so much pain and suffering in the world.”

If you think God exists, send this to other people—
If you think God does not exist, delete it!

BE BLESSED & BE A BLESSING TO OTHERS!

A father passing by his son’s bedroom, was astonished to see that the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up and tidy. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was
addressed, “DAD”.

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing to you. I had to
elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with
Mum and you.

I’ve been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I
knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings,
tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older
than I am.

But it’s not only the passion, Dad . She’s pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns an old caravan in the
woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a
dream of having many more children!

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt
anyone. We’ll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the
other nice people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we
want.

In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so
Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don’t worry Dad , I’m 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I’m sure we’ll be back to visit, so you can get to know your
many grandchildren!

Love,
Your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad , none of the above is really true. I’m over at Jason’s house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than
the school report that’s on the kitchen table.

Call when it is safe for me to come home!

Women always has a Clever answer

Man: “Haven’t we met before?”
Woman: “Yes, I’m the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic.”

Man: “Haven’t I seen you someplace before?”
Woman: “Yeah, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.”

Man: “Is this seat empty?”
Woman: “Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.”

Man: “So, wanna go back to my place?”
Woman: “Well, I don’t know. Will two people fit under a rock?”

Man: “Your place or mine?”
Woman: “Both. You go to yours and I’ll go to mine.”

Man: “I’d like to call you. What’s your number?”
Woman: “It’s in the phone book.”

Man: “But I don’t know your name.”
Woman: “That’s in the phone book too.”

Man: “So what do you do for a living?”
Woman: “I’m a female impersonator.”

Man: “I know how to please a woman.”
Woman: “Then please leave me alone.”

Man: “I want to give myself to you.”
Woman: “Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts.”

Man: “I can tell that you want me.”
Woman: “Ohhhh. You’re so right. I want you…to leave.”

Man: “Hey cutie, how ’bout you and I hitting the hot spots?”
Woman: “Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.”

Man: “May I see you pretty soon?”
Woman: “Why? Don’t you think I’m pretty now?”

Man: “Your body is like a temple.”
Woman: “Sorry, there are no services today.”

Man: “I’d go through anything for you.”
Woman: “Good! Let’s start with your bank account.”

Man: “I would go to the end of the world for you.”
Woman: “Yes, but would you stay there?”

Sometimes…

when you cry…

no one sees your tears.

Sometimes…

when you are in pain…

no one sees your hurt.

Sometimes.

when you are worried..

no one sees your stress

Sometimes.

when you are happy..

no one sees your smile ..

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-

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But FART!! just ONE time…

And everybody knows!!

Gotcha!! You thought this was going to be one of those heart-touching stories!

You might remember when this accident happened… 8 years ago in March.

This Southwest Airlines flight from Vegas overshot the runway at Burbank.

The plane smashed past the airport fence, careened across the street and ended up with a collapsed landing gear, right next to a gas station.

But that’s not the amazing part… look at the picture below!!!

Note: May be a bit too green even for an Irish joke.

In Glasgow there’s a little bar called McTavish’s. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you.”

“Well”, said the Englishman, “at my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2″

“Ahhhhh, that’s nothing”, said the Irishman. “Back home in Dublin there’s Ryan’s Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they’ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you’ve had enough drinks they’ll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house.”

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman’s claims, but he swears every word is true.

“Well,” said the Englishman “did this actually happen to you?”

“Not meself personally….no!” said the Irishman.

“But it did happen to me sister.”

A man’s daughter had asked the local priest to come and pray with her father. When the priest arrived, he found the man lying in bed with his head propped up on two pillows. An empty chair sat beside his bed.

The priest assumed that the old fellow had been informed of his visit.

“I guess you were expecting me, he said. “No, who are you?” said the father.

The priest told him his name and then remarked, “I saw the empty chair and I figured you knew I was going to show up,”

“Oh yeah, the chair,” said the bedridden man. “Would you mind closing the door?” Puzzled, the priest shut the door.

“I have never told anyone this, not even my daughter,” said the man.

“But all of my life I have never known how to pray. At church I used to hear the priest talk about prayer, but it went right over my head.” I abandoned any attempt at prayer,” the old man continued, “until one day four years ago, my best friend said to me, “Johnny, prayer is just a simple matter of having a conversation with Jesus.

Here is what I suggest.” “Sit down in a chair; place an empty chair in front of you, and in faith see Jesus on the chair. It’s not spooky because he promised, I’I will be with you always’.

Then just speak to him in the same way you’re doing with me right now.”

“So, I tried it and I’ve liked it so much that I do it a couple of hours every day.

I’m careful though If my daughter saw me talking to an empty chair, she’d either have a nervous breakdown or send me off to the funny farm.”

The priest was deeply moved by the story and encouraged the old man to continue on the journey. Then he prayed with him, anointed him with oil, and returned to the church.

Two nights later the daughter called to tell the priest that her daddy had died that afternoon. Did he die in peace?” he asked.

Yes, when I left the house about two o’clock, he called me over to his bedside, told me he loved me and kissed me on the cheek.

When I got back from the store an hour later, I found him dead.

But there was something strange about his death.

Apparently, just before Daddy died, he leaned over and rested his head on the chair beside the bed.

What do you make of that?” The priest wiped a tear from his eye and said, “I wish we could all go like that.”

Just send this to four people or more, and do not break this, please.

Prayer is one of the best free gifts we receive.

I asked God for water,
He gave me an ocean.

I asked God for a flower,
He gave me a garden.

I asked God for a friend,
He gave me all of YOU…

if God brings you to it,
He will bring you through it.

Happy moments, praise God.

Difficult moments, seek God.

Quiet moments, worship God.

Painful moments, trust God.

Every moment, thank God.