WOMEN’S REVENGE
‘Cash, check or charge?’ I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
‘So, do you always carry your TV remote?’ I asked.
‘No,’ she replied, ‘but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.’

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN’S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I’m not going to understand women.
I’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
‘It is essential that husbands and wives know each other’s likes and dislikes.’
He addressed the man,
‘Can you name your wife’s favorite flower?’
Tom leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered, ‘It’s Pillsbury, isn’t it?

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, ‘Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, ‘You see, it’s like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it’s sooo-ooo–oo- ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own ……… so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, ‘Relatives of yours?’
‘Yep,’ the wife replied, ‘in-laws.’

WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day…
30,000 to a man’s 15,000.
The wife replied, ‘The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men…
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, ‘What?’

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, ‘I don’t know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
‘The wife responded, ‘Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, ‘You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, ‘You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.’
Wife replies, ‘No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.’
Husband replies, ‘I can’t believe that, show me.’
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says ‘HEBREWS’

The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
‘Please wake me at 5:00 AM ‘ He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, ‘It is 5:00 AM Wake up.’
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece

SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!

Author Unknown

Little girl and her father were crossing a bridge.
The father was kind of scared so he asked his little daughter,
“Sweetheart, please hold my hand so that you don’t fall into the
river.”
The little girl said, “No, Dad. You hold my hand.”
“What’s the difference?” Asked the puzzled father.
“There’s a big difference,” replied the little girl.

“If I hold your hand and something happens to me,
chances are that I may let your hand go.
But if you hold my hand, I know for sure that no matter what happens,
you will never let my hand go.”

In any relationship, the essence of trust is not in its bind, but in
its bond.

So hold the hand of the person who loves you rather than expecting
them to hold yours…

One of my teachers had each one of us bring a clear plastic bag and a
sack of potatoes. For every person we’d refuse to forgive in our life,
we were told to choose a potato, write on it the name and date, and
put it in the plastic bag. Some of our bags, as you can imagine, were
quite heavy.

We were then told to carry this bag with us everywhere for one week,
putting it beside our bed at night, on the car seat when driving, next
to our desk at work.

The hassle of lugging this around with us made it clear what a weight
we were carrying spiritually, and how we had to pay attention to it
all the time to not forget, and keep leaving it in embarrassing
places.

Naturally, the condition of the potatoes deteriorated to a nasty
slime. This was a great metaphor for the price we pay for keeping our
pain and heavy negativity!

Too often we think of forgiveness as a gift to the other person, and
while that’s true, it clearly is also a gift for ourselves!

So the next time you decide you can’t forgive someone, ask yourself…

Isn’t MY bag heavy enough?

Author Unknown

Two friends were walking through the desert. In a specific point of
the journey, they had an argument, and one friend slapped the other
one in the face. The one who got slapped was hurt, but…without
saying anything, wrote in the sand:

TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE.

They kept on walking until they found an oasis, where they decided to
take a
bath. The one who got slapped and hurt started drowning, and the other
friend saved him. When he recovered from the fright, he wrote on a
stone:

TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SAVED MY LIFE.

The friend who saved and slapped his best friend, asked him “Why,
after I hurt you, did you write in the sand, and now you write on a
stone?”

The other friend, smiling, replied, “When a friend hurts us, we should
write it down in the sand, where the winds of forgiveness get in
charge of erasing it away, and when something great happens, we should
engrave it in the stone of the memory of the heart, where no wind can
erase it.”

Learn to write in the sand.

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your business trip
I just want to let you know about the

Small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway.

Fortunately not too bad and I really didn’t get hurt, so please don’t worry too

Much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I

Accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.

The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when

it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will

forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.

I am enclosing a picture for you.
I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife.
XXX

Once upon a time two brothers who lived on adjoining farms fell into conflict. It was the first serious rift in 40 years of farming side by side, sharing machinery, and trading labor and goods as needed without a hitch.

Then the long collaboration fell apart. It began with a small misunderstanding and it grew into a major difference, and finally it exploded into an exchange of bitter words followed by weeks of silence.

One morning there was a knock on John’s door. He opened it to find a man with a carpenter’s toolbox. “I’m looking for a few days work” he said. “Perhaps you would have a few small jobs here and there I could help with? Could I help you?”

“Yes,” said the older brother. “I do have a job for you. Look across the creek at that farm. That’s my neighbor, in fact, it’s my younger brother. “Last week there was a meadow between us and he took his bulldozer to the river levee and now there is a creek between us. Well, he may have done this to spite me, but I’ll give him one better. See that pile of lumber by the barn? I want you to build me a fence, an 8-foot fence, so I won’t need to see his place or his face anymore.”

The carpenter said, “I think I understand the situation. Show me the nails and the post-hole digger and I’ll be able to do a job that pleases you.”

The older brother had to go to town, so he helped the carpenter get the materials ready and then he was off for the day. The carpenter worked hard all that day measuring, sawing, nailing. About sunset when the farmer returned, the carpenter had just finished his job. The farmer’s eyes opened wide, his jaw dropped.

There was no fence there at all. It was a bridge — a bridge stretching from one side of the creek to the other! A fine piece of work — handrails and all — and the neighbor, his younger brother, was coming across, his hand outstretched.
“You are quite a fellow to build this bridge after all I’ve said and done.”

The two brothers stood at each end of the bridge, and then they met in the middle, taking each other’s hand. They turned to see the carpenter hoist his toolbox on his shoulder.

“No, wait! Stay a few days. I’ve a lot of other projects for you,” said the older brother. “I’d love to stay on,” the carpenter said, “but, I have many more bridges to build.”

- 0 -

KEEP THIS IN MIND:
God won’t ask what kind of car you drove;
He’ll ask how many people you drove who didn’t have transportation
God won’t ask the square footage of your house;
He’ll ask how many people you welcomed into your home.
God won’t ask about the clothes you had in your closet;
He’ll ask how many you helped to clothe.
God won’t ask about your social status;
He will ask what kind of class you displayed.
God won’t ask how many material possessions you had;
He’ll ask if they dictated your life.
God won’t ask what your highest salary was;
He’ll ask if you compromised your character to obtain it.
God won’t ask how much overtime you worked;
He’ll ask if your overtime work was for yourself or for your family.
God won’t ask how many promotions you received;
He’ll ask how you promoted others.
God won’t ask what your job title was;
He’ll ask if you performed that job to the best of your ability.
God won’t ask what you did to help yourself;
He’ll ask what you did to help others.
God won’t ask how many friends you had;
He’ll ask how many people to whom you were a friend.
God won’t ask what you did to protect your rights;
He’ll ask what you did to protect the rights of others.
God won’t ask in what neighborhood you lived;
He’ll ask how you treated your neighbors.
God won’t ask about the color of your skin;
He’ll ask about the content of your character.
God won’t ask how many times your deeds matched your words;
He’ll ask how many times they didn’t.
God won’t ask why it took you so long to seek Salvation;
He’ll lovingly take you to your mansion in heaven, and not to the gates of Hell.
God won’t ask how many people you forwarded this to;
He’ll ask if you were ashamed to pass it on to your friends.

Warning: “Toilet humor”

For Everything There is an Answer from the Breath-Right Strips Inventor

The original product is called “Breathe Right” currently available in the US market supposedly to relieve/prevent snoring. This guy on the video is a dead ringer for the real inventor, Bruce Johnson.

In Honor of Stupid People . . .

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) –

‘Do not turn upside down.’
(well…duh, a bit late, huh!)
==========================

On Sainsbury’s peanuts –
‘Warning: contains nuts.’
(talk about a news flash)
==========================

On Boot’s Children Cough Medicine --
‘Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking
this medication.’

(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we
could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

==========================

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding –
‘Product will be hot after heating.’
(…and you thought????…)

==========================

On a Sears hairdryer –
Do not use while sleeping.
(That’s the only time I have to work on my hair.)

==========================

On a bag of Fritos –
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

==========================

On a bar of Dial soap –
‘Directions: Use like regular soap.’
(and that would be???….)

==========================

On some Swanson frozen dinners –
‘Serving suggestion: Defrost.’
(but, it’s just a suggestion.)
==========================

On packaging for a Rowenta iron –
‘Do not iron clothes on body.’
(but wouldn’t this save me time?)

==========================

On Nytol Sleep Aid –
‘Warning: May cause drowsiness.’
(…I’m taking this because???….)

==========================

On most brands of Christmas lights –
‘For indoor or outdoor use only.’
(as opposed to what?)

=========================

On a Japanese food processor –
‘Not to be used for the other use.’
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I’m a bit curious.)

==============================

On an American Airlines packet of nuts –
‘Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.’
(Step 3: say what?)
===========================

On a child’s Superman costume –
‘Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.’
(I don’t blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

========================

On a Swedish chainsaw –
‘Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.’
(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
===========================

Now that you’ve smiled at least once, it’s your turn to spread the stupidity to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even chuckle)…

(Religious content)

Just wanna share this message….

This is one of the best explanations of why God allows pain and suffering that I have seen…

A man went to a barbershop to have his hair cut and his beard trimmed.
As the barber began to work, they began to have a good conversation.
They talked about so many things and various subjects.
When they eventually touched on the subject of God, the barber said:
“I don’t believe that God exists.”

“Why do you say that?” asked the customer. “Well, you just have to go out in the street to realize that God doesn’t exist. Tell me, if God exists, would there be so many sick people?
Would there be abandoned children?

If God existed, there would be neither suffering nor pain.
I can’t imagine a loving God who would allow all of these things.”
The customer thought for a moment, but didn’t respond because he didn’t want to start an argument.
The barber finished his job and the customer left the shop.

Just after he left the barbershop, he saw a man in the street with long, stringy, dirty hair and an untrimmed beard. He looked dirty and unkempt. The customer turned back and entered the barber shop again and he said to the barber:

“You know what? Barbers do not exist.”
“How can you say that?” asked the surprised barber.
“I am here, and I am a barber. And I just worked on you!”
“No!” the customer exclaimed. “Barbers don’t exist because
if they did, there would be no people with dirty long hair and untrimmed beards, like that man outside.”

“Ah, but barbers DO exist! That’s what happens when people do not come to me.”
“Exactly!” affirmed the customer. “That’s the point! God, too, DOES exist!
That’s what happens when people do not go to Him and don’t look to Him for help.
That’s why there’s so much pain and suffering in the world.”

If you think God exists, send this to other people—
If you think God does not exist, delete it!

BE BLESSED & BE A BLESSING TO OTHERS!

A father passing by his son’s bedroom, was astonished to see that the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up and tidy. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was
addressed, “DAD”.

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing to you. I had to
elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with
Mum and you.

I’ve been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I
knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings,
tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older
than I am.

But it’s not only the passion, Dad . She’s pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns an old caravan in the
woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a
dream of having many more children!

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt
anyone. We’ll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the
other nice people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we
want.

In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so
Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don’t worry Dad , I’m 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I’m sure we’ll be back to visit, so you can get to know your
many grandchildren!

Love,
Your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad , none of the above is really true. I’m over at Jason’s house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than
the school report that’s on the kitchen table.

Call when it is safe for me to come home!