Viral Emails

Dress Code

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.

If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore do not need a raise.

If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore do not need a raise.

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Sick Days

We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness.

If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

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Personal Days

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

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Toilet Use

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls.

At the end of the three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken.

After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the “Chronic Offenders category”.

Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company’s mental health policy!

You are allowed to use the rest room only thrice a day and you have to swipe in and out from the toilet doors also.

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Lunch Break

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a slim fast.

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Mails

Don’t read junk and forwarded mails.

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Thank you for your loyalty to our company.

We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, All questions, comments,concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management.

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed
home.

He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

“Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife
merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please
allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.”

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man’s wish..

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. -

He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,

Awakened the kids,

Set out their school clothes,

Fed them breakfast,

Packed their lunches,

Drove them to school,

Came home and

Picked up the dry cleaning,

Took it to the cleaners and

Stopped at the bank to make a deposit,

Went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries,

Paid the bills and balanced the check book.

He cleaned the cat’s litter box and bathed the dog.

Then it was already 1P.M. And he hurried to make the beds,

Do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and

Mop the kitchen floor.

Ran to the school to pick up the kids and

Got into an argument with them on the way home.

Set out milk and cookies and

Got the kids organized to do their homework,

Then set up the ironing board and

Watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and

Washing vegetables for salad,

Breaded the pork chops and

Snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen,

Ran the dishwasher,

Folded laundry,

Bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9 P.M. He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren’t finished,

He went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to
get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said:

-”Lord, I don’t know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my
wife’s’ being able to stay home all day. Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us
trade back.”

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:

“My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to
change things back to the way they were. You’ll just have to wait nine
months though. You got pregnant last night.”

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This has been voted Women’s Favorite E-mail of the Year!
If you agree, send it to all your friends who would enjoy this.

A Japanese tourist went to the Philippines for some sightseeing. He hailed a taxi and asked the driver to take him to the hotel. On the way he saw a Honda City pass by. “Honda very fast!” he yelled, “made in Japan!”

A little while later he saw a Mitsubishi Adventure speed by. “Ah, Mitsubishi!” he yelled, “also made in Japan!”.

Then a Isuzu Fuego swifly drove by. “Isuzu! Isuzu!” he kept on repeating, “made in Japan too!”

A Toyota Corolla overtook them too. “look, Toyota!” he now raised his voice, “made in Japan!”

The driver was really irritated but kept quite. Finally, when the taxi arrived at the hotel, and the Japanese saw that the fare was Php500.00 ($12.50) “Why so expensive?” the Japanese complained. “Meter very fast because it’s made in Japan too!”.

Dorothy was very upset because her husband Albert had just passed away.

She goes to the mortuary to look at her dearly departed, and the instant she sees him she starts wailing and crying.

One of the attendants rushes up to comfort her. Through her tears she explains that she was upset because Albert was wearing a black suit and that it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit.

The attendant apologizes and explains that they always put the bodies in a black suit as a matter of course, but he’d see what he could do.
The next day, Dorothy returns to the mortuary to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day. When the attendant pulls back the curtain, Dorothy manages to smile through her tears as Albert is now wearing a smart blue suit.

She asks the attendant, “How did you manage to get hold of that beautiful blue suit?”

“Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man who was about your husband’s size was brought in, and he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset, as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit,” the attendant replied.

The woman smiled.

He continued: “After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads around”.