I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed..hmmmm

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST ALSO SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat shit in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s Novena has granted my every wish.

I can’t have a drink in a bar because I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO ALL OF YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face.. Disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise. And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan

I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my ass.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can’t ever pick up a Toonie dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over..

I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.

I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician . . .

Oh, by the way…..

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.

PS: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. “When white man find land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty fish, clean water; Women did all the work and medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex.”

Then the chief leaned back and smiled.
“Only white man dumb enough to think he can improve system like that.

Before you return from your business trip
I just want to let you know about the

Small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway.

Fortunately not too bad and I really didn’t get hurt, so please don’t worry too

Much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I

Accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.

The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when

it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will

forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.

I am enclosing a picture for you.
I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife.
XXX

The facts are mostly funny if not silly hyperbolic claims about Norris’s toughness, attitude, virility, sophistication, and masculinity- even immortality! The guy’s a legend. Here are samples:

* “When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn’t get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.” (The most popular and seen on shirts!)
* “When Chuck Norris does pushups, he doesn’t lift himself up. He pushes the world down.”
* “Chuck Norris’s tears cure cancer. Too bad he never cries. Ever.”
* “If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow down.”
* “Chuck Norris hides a third fist under his chin.”
* “They once tried to carve Chuck Norris’ face into Mount Rushmore, but the granite wasn’t hard enough for his beard”
* Chuck Norris swims on land.”
* “When there’s a fire you stop, drop and roll. When there’s a Chuck Norris you stop,drop and DIE”
* “There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live”
* “It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.”
* “You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.”
* “Chuck Norris can divide by zero.”
* “Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life… unless it gets in his way.”
* “The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.”
* “There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.”
* “Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.”
* “Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.”
* “The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.”
* “When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn’t walk around people. He walks through them.”
* “Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.”
* “James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.”
* “Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.”
* “If you say Chuck Norris’ name in Mongolia, the people there will roundhouse kick you in his honor. Their kick will be followed by the REAL roundhouse delivered by none other than Norris himself.”
* “Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris. ”
* “Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its descendants now have white hair.”
* “Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.”
* “It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.”
* “When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.”
* “Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.”
* “Some people like to eat frogs’ legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.”
* “There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.”
* “When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald’s because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy’s.”
* “Chuck Norris can’t finish a “color by numbers” because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.”
* “A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.”
* “On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.”
* “Nobody doesn’t like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.”
* “Chuck Norris doesn’t throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!”
* “In the beginning there was nothing…then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said “Get a job”. That is the story of the universe.”

Here’s a website dedicated to ‘finding Chuck Norris’ online via Google but your ‘search’ will not actually turn up any results because: “Google won’t search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don’t find Chuck Norris, he finds you.”

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever
wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We
have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over
100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard Work
and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there,
it’s the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top

This was how Sheryl Crow got breast cancer. She was on the Ellen show and said this same exact thing. This has been identified as the most common cause of the high levels in breast cancer, especially in Australia ..

A friend whose mother was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. The Doctor told her: women should not drink bottled water that has been left in a car.

The doctor said that the heat and the plastic of the bottle have certain chemicals that can lead to breast cancer. So please be careful and do not drink bottled water that has been left in a car, and, pass this on to all the women in your life.

This information is the kind we need to know and be aware and just might save us!!!! The heat causes toxins from the plastic to leak into the water and they have found these toxins in breast tissue. Use a stainless steel Canteen or a glass bottle when you can!

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.

Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.

Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope… Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.

All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?

Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing.

I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

Sincerely, Edna

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head

Now it gets really weird.

Lincoln ‘S secretary was named Kennedy..
Kennedy’s Secretary was named Lincoln .

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head

Now it gets really weird.

Lincoln ‘S secretary was named Kennedy..
Kennedy’s Secretary was named Lincoln .

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.

Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

Now hang on to your seat.

Lincoln was shot at the theatre named ‘Ford’.
Kennedy was shot in a car called ‘ Lincoln ‘ made by ‘Ford’.

Lincoln was shot in a theatre and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theatre.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

WHO FIGURED THIS OUT?

INCREDIBLE
1) Fold a NEW $20 bill in half…

2) Fold again, taking care to fold it exactly as below:

3) Fold the other end, exactly as before:

4) Now, simply turn it over…

What a coincidence! A simple geometric fold creates a catastrophic premonition printed on all $20 bills!!!

COINCIDENCE?

YOU DECIDE

As if that wasn’t enough…
Here is what you’ve seen…

Firstly The Pentagon on fire…

Then The Twin Towers.

And now .. Look at this!

TRIPLE COINCIDENCE ON A SIMPLE $20 BILL
Disaster (Pentagon)
Disaster ( Twin Towers )
Disaster (Osama)???

It gets even better 9 + 11 = $20!

Creepy huh?

The world’s largest water bridge (or canal bridge), built over the Elbe River in Magdeburg, Germany at a cost of 500 million Euros. Completed in December 2003, the bridge is 918 meters long and has been modestly described as “a giant, kilometer-long concrete bathtub.” See sources below for more information. (about.com)

Sources and further reading:

Europe’s Largest Water Bridge Opens
Deutsche Welle, 10 October 2003

Canal Bridge Magdeburg
Dillinger Hütte GTS, company Web site