Before you return from your business trip
I just want to let you know about the

Small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway.

Fortunately not too bad and I really didn’t get hurt, so please don’t worry too

Much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I

Accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.

The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when

it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will

forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.

I am enclosing a picture for you.
I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife.
XXX

The facts are mostly funny if not silly hyperbolic claims about Norris’s toughness, attitude, virility, sophistication, and masculinity- even immortality! The guy’s a legend. Here are samples:

* “When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn’t get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.” (The most popular and seen on shirts!)
* “When Chuck Norris does pushups, he doesn’t lift himself up. He pushes the world down.”
* “Chuck Norris’s tears cure cancer. Too bad he never cries. Ever.”
* “If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow down.”
* “Chuck Norris hides a third fist under his chin.”
* “They once tried to carve Chuck Norris’ face into Mount Rushmore, but the granite wasn’t hard enough for his beard”
* Chuck Norris swims on land.”
* “When there’s a fire you stop, drop and roll. When there’s a Chuck Norris you stop,drop and DIE”
* “There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live”
* “It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.”
* “You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.”
* “Chuck Norris can divide by zero.”
* “Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life… unless it gets in his way.”
* “The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.”
* “There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.”
* “Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.”
* “Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.”
* “The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.”
* “When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn’t walk around people. He walks through them.”
* “Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.”
* “James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.”
* “Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.”
* “If you say Chuck Norris’ name in Mongolia, the people there will roundhouse kick you in his honor. Their kick will be followed by the REAL roundhouse delivered by none other than Norris himself.”
* “Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris. ”
* “Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its descendants now have white hair.”
* “Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.”
* “It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.”
* “When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.”
* “Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.”
* “Some people like to eat frogs’ legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.”
* “There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.”
* “When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald’s because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy’s.”
* “Chuck Norris can’t finish a “color by numbers” because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.”
* “A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.”
* “On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.”
* “Nobody doesn’t like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.”
* “Chuck Norris doesn’t throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!”
* “In the beginning there was nothing…then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said “Get a job”. That is the story of the universe.”

Here’s a website dedicated to ‘finding Chuck Norris’ online via Google but your ’search’ will not actually turn up any results because: “Google won’t search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don’t find Chuck Norris, he finds you.”

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever
wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We
have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over
100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard Work
and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there,
it’s the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top

This was how Sheryl Crow got breast cancer. She was on the Ellen show and said this same exact thing. This has been identified as the most common cause of the high levels in breast cancer, especially in Australia ..

A friend whose mother was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. The Doctor told her: women should not drink bottled water that has been left in a car.

The doctor said that the heat and the plastic of the bottle have certain chemicals that can lead to breast cancer. So please be careful and do not drink bottled water that has been left in a car, and, pass this on to all the women in your life.

This information is the kind we need to know and be aware and just might save us!!!! The heat causes toxins from the plastic to leak into the water and they have found these toxins in breast tissue. Use a stainless steel Canteen or a glass bottle when you can!

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.

Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.

Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope… Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.

All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?

Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing.

I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

Sincerely, Edna

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head

Now it gets really weird.

Lincoln ‘S secretary was named Kennedy..
Kennedy’s Secretary was named Lincoln .

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head

Now it gets really weird.

Lincoln ‘S secretary was named Kennedy..
Kennedy’s Secretary was named Lincoln .

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.

Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

Now hang on to your seat.

Lincoln was shot at the theatre named ‘Ford’.
Kennedy was shot in a car called ‘ Lincoln ‘ made by ‘Ford’.

Lincoln was shot in a theatre and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theatre.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

WHO FIGURED THIS OUT?

INCREDIBLE
1) Fold a NEW $20 bill in half…

2) Fold again, taking care to fold it exactly as below:

3) Fold the other end, exactly as before:

4) Now, simply turn it over…

What a coincidence! A simple geometric fold creates a catastrophic premonition printed on all $20 bills!!!

COINCIDENCE?

YOU DECIDE

As if that wasn’t enough…
Here is what you’ve seen…

Firstly The Pentagon on fire…

Then The Twin Towers.

And now .. Look at this!

TRIPLE COINCIDENCE ON A SIMPLE $20 BILL
Disaster (Pentagon)
Disaster ( Twin Towers )
Disaster (Osama)???

It gets even better 9 + 11 = $20!

Creepy huh?

The world’s largest water bridge (or canal bridge), built over the Elbe River in Magdeburg, Germany at a cost of 500 million Euros. Completed in December 2003, the bridge is 918 meters long and has been modestly described as “a giant, kilometer-long concrete bathtub.” See sources below for more information. (about.com)

Sources and further reading:

Europe’s Largest Water Bridge Opens
Deutsche Welle, 10 October 2003

Canal Bridge Magdeburg
Dillinger Hütte GTS, company Web site

But it was the folks in Heaven
who made me sputter and gasp–
the thieves, the liars, the sinners,
the alcoholics and the trash.

There stood the kid from seventh grade
who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to him was my old neighbor
who never said anything nice.

Herb, who I always thought
was rotting away in hell,
was sitting pretty on cloud nine,
looking incredibly well.

I nudged Jesus, “What’s the deal?
I would love to hear Your take.
How’d all these sinners get up here?
God must’ve made a mistake.

“And why’s everyone so quiet,
so somber – give me a clue.”
“Hush, child,” He said, “they’re all in shock.
No one thought they’d be seeing you.”

Judge NOT.

RED BULL – slow death …
RED BULL – slow death …
RED BULL – slow death …

Do NOT drink this drink anymore!!
Pay attention; read it all

As a public health safety, please pass on this email to all the contacts in your address book especially those with teenage children?

This drink is SOLD in all the supermarkets IN OUR country and our children ARE CONSUMING IT ON A TRIAL BASIS, IT can be mortal.

RED BULL was created to stimulate the brains in people who are subjected to great physical force and in stress coma and never to be consumed like an innocent drink or soda pop.

RED BULL IS the energizer DRINK that is commercialized world-wide with its slogan:’It increases endurance; awakens the concentration capacity and the speed of reaction, offers more energy and improves the mood. All this can be found in a can of RED BULL , the power drink of the millennium.

‘RED BULL has managed to arrive at almost 100 countries worldwide. The RED BULL logo is targeted at young people and sportsmen, two attractive segments that have been captivated by the stimulus that the drink provides.

It was created by Dietrich Mateschitz, an industrialist of Austrian origin who discovered the drink by chance. It happened during a business trip to Hong Kong , when he was working at a factory that manufactured toothbrushes.

The liquid, based on a formula that contained caffeine and taurine, caused a rage in that country. Imagine the grand success of this drink in Europe where the product still did not exist, besides it was a superb opportunity to become an entrepreneur.
BUT THE TRUTH ABOUT THIS DRINK IS ANOTHER THING:

FRANCE and DENMARK have just prohibited it as a cocktail of death, due to its vitamin components mixed with GLUCURONOLACTONE’, a highly dangerous chemical, which was developed by the United States Department of Defense during the sixties to stimulate the moral of the troops based in VIETNAM, which acted like a hallucinogenic drug that calmed the stress of the war.

But their effects in the organism were so devastating, that it was discontinued, because of the high index of cases of migraines, cerebral tumors and diseases of the liver that was evident in the soldiers who consumed it.

And in spite of it, in the can of RED BULL you can still find as one of its components: GLUCURONOLACTONE, categorized medically as a stimulant. But what it does not say on the can of ,RED BULL are the consequences of its consumption, and that has forced us to place a series of WARNINGS:

1. It is dangerous to take it if you do not engage in physical exercise afterwards, since its energizing function accelerates the heart rate and can cause a sudden attack.

2. You run the risk of undergoing a cerebral hemorrhage, because RED BULL contains components that dilute the blood so that the heart utilizes less energy to pump the blood, and thus be able to deliver physical force with less effort being exerted.

3. It is prohibited to mix RED BULL with alcohol, because the mixture turns the drink into a ” Deadly Bomb ” that attacks the liver directly, causing the affected area never to regenerate anymore.

4. One of the main components of RED BULL is the B12 vitamin, used in medicine to recover patients who are in a coma; from here the hypertension and the state of excitement which is experienced after taking it, as if you were in a drunken state.

5. The regular consumption of RED BULL triggers off symptoms in the form of a series of irreversible nervous and neuronal diseases.

CONCLUSION:It is a drink that should be prohibited in the entire world as when it is mixed with alcohol it creates a TIME BOMB for the human body, mainly between innocent adolescents and adults with little experience. Forward this mail to Everyone and Let them know about this..

DISCLAIMER: This is a forwarded viral email circulating on the web. We do not approve nor disprove its content. We always leave it to our readers to investigate further. For our part, we searched Glucuronolactone and found that there is no merit to its danger and what it says here in reference have been proven wrong.

Dementia Quiz

Below are four (4) questions and a Bonus question to test your perception, reasoning and the quickness of your logical processing.

They are stated simply so you should try to answer them instantly.
To assure the accuracy of the results, you should not take your time , but instead, answer each of them immediately.

OK?

Let’s find out just how clever you really are….

.
Ready? GO!!! (scroll down slowly to uncover Q’s and A’s )

First Question :

You are a participant in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<

Answer : If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely WRONG! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, YOU are in second place!

Try not to screw up next time. Now answer the second question, but don’t take as much time as you took for the first question, OK?

Second Question :

If you overtake the last person, then you are…?
(scroll down)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Answer : If you answered that you are second to last, then you are ; ;WRONG again. Tell me Sunshine, how can you overtake the LAST person??

You’re not very good at this, are you?

Third Question :

Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator.
Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 Now add 30 . Add another 1000 . Now add 20.  Now add another 1000 . Now add 10 . What is the total?

Scroll down for the correct answer…….

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you get 5000 ?

The correct answer is actually 4100 .

If you don’t believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it ?

Maybe you’ll get the last question right… Maybe…

Fourth Question:

Mary’s father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono, and ??? What is the name of the fifth daughter?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you Answer Nunu? NO! Of course it isn’t.
Her name is Mary you retard! Read the question again!

Okay, now the Bonus round,
i.e., a final chance to redeem yourself:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It’s really very simple
He opens his mouth and asks for it…

Does your employer actually pay you to think??
If so Do NOT let them see your answers for this test!

PASS TH IS ON TO FRUSTRATE THE
SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE!
Have a nice day, one and all.