As we approach the end of another month – I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed..hmmmm

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST ALSO SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat shit in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s Novena has granted my every wish.

I can’t have a drink in a bar because I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO ALL OF YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face.. Disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise. And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan

I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my ass.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can’t ever pick up a Toonie dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over..

I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.

I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician . . .

Oh, by the way…..

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.

PS: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

Watch your ‘Thoughts,’ they become words. Watch your ‘Words,’ they become actions. Watch your ‘Actions,’ they become habits. Watch your ‘Habits,’ they become character. Watch your ‘Character,’ for it becomes your Destiny.’

Feng Shui Horoscope

Take just a couple of minutes to take this test & see what happens!
If you are honest this tells the truth — it’s pretty good.
Write your answers on a piece of paper, NO cheating!! The answers are at the bottom..

1. Which is your favorite color: red, black, blue, green, or yellow?
2. Your first initial?
3. Your month of birth?
4. Which color do you like more, black or white?
5 . Name of a person of the same sex as yours.
6. Your favorite number?
7. Do you like California or Florida more?
8. Do you like a lake or the ocean more?
9. Write down a wish (a realistic one)

When you’re done, scroll down. Don’t cheat

Answers:
1. If you choose:
Red – You are alert and your life is full of love.
Black – you are conservative and aggressive.
Green – Your soul is relaxed and you are laid back
Blue – You are spontaneous and love kisses and affection from
the ones you love.
Yellow – You are a very happy person and give good advice to
those who are down.

2. If your initial is:
A-K – You have a lot of love and friendships in your life..
L-R – You try to enjoy your life to the maximum and your love
life is soon to blossom.
S-Z – You like to help others and your future love life looks
very good.

3. If you were born in:
JAN – MAR: The year will go very well for you and you will
discover that you fall in love with someone totally unexpected.
APR – JUN: You will have a strong love relat ionship that will
last forever.
JUL – SEP: You will have a great year and will experience a
major life-changing experience for the good.
OCT – DEC: Your love life will be great, you will find your
soulmate.

4. If you chose…
Black: Your life will take on a different direction, it will
be the best thing for you, and you will be glad for the change.
White: You have a friend who completely confides in you and
would do anything for you, but you may not realize it.

5. This person should be your best friend.

6. This is how many close friends you will have in your
lifetime.

7. If you chose:
California :You like adventure.
Florida : Youare a laid back person.

8. If you chose:
Lake : You are loyal to your friends and your lover and are
very reserved.
Ocean: You are spontaneous and like to please people..

9. This wish will come true if you send this to 1 person in
one hour. Send it to ten people, and it will come true before your next
Birthday

THIS IS A SIMPLE TEST….

If you believe that God is alive and well, send this to at least ten people and the person that sent it to you!!!!!!!!
This is so true. Sometimes it’s the simplest things that God asks us to do that cause us, if we are obedient to what He’s asking, to be able to hear. His voice more clear than ever. Please listen, and obey! It will bless you (and the world). Phil 4:13
This is an easy test – you score 100 or zero. It’s your choice.

If you aren’t ashamed to do this, please follow the directions. Jesus said, ‘If you are ashamed of me, I will be ashamed of you before my Father.’

Not ashamed…Pass this on.

Worry looks around, Sorrow looks back, Faith looks up.

This angel is sent to you.

(Photographed in the Vatican … not retouched)

[Now for the clincher: The action one must take upon receiving the email! "Do it or else..." We don't know about that. We would have died many times over if we believed in it because we never did forward the emails we got since receiving them... We leave it to you to follow the same or not.   ]

You must send her to 8 people.

In 8 minutes you will receive something you have long awaited. Have faith.

There was a young man who went overseas to study for quite a long time. When he returned, he asked his parents to find him a religious scholar or any expert who could answer his 3 Questions. Finally, his parents were able to find a scholar.

Young man: Who are you? Can you answer my questions?

Scholar: I am one of Lord’s believers and i will try to answer your questions.

Young man: Are you sure? A lot of Professors and experts were not able to answer my questions.

Scholar: I will try my best.

Young Man: I have 3 questions:
1. Does God exist? If so, show me His shape.
2. What is fate?
3. If Devil was created from the fire, why at the end he will be thrown to hell that is also created from fire. It certainly will not hurt him at all, since Devil and the hell were created from fire. Did God not think of it this far?

Suddenly, the Scholar slapped the young man’s face very hard.

Young Man (feeling pain): Why do you get angry at me?

Scholar: I am not angry. The slap is my answer to your three questions.

Young Man: I really don’t understand.

Scholar: How do you feel after I slapped you?

Young Man: Of course, I felt the pain.

Scholar: So do you believe that pain exists?

Young Man: Yes.

Scholar: Show me the shape of the pain!

Young Man: I cannot.

Scholar: That is my first answer. All of us feel God’s existence without being able to see His shape… Last night, did you dream that you will be slapped by me?

Young Man: No.

Scholar: Did you ever think that you will get a slap from me, today?

Young Man: No.

Scholar: That is fate my second answer…….. My hand that I used to slap you, what is it created from?

Young Man: It is created from flesh.

Scholar: How about your face, what is it created from?

Young Man: Flesh.

Scholar: How do you feel after I slapped you?

Young Man: In pain.

Scholar: That’s it. this is my third answer, Even though Devil and hell were created from the fire, if God wants, the hell will become a very painful place for Devil. God said: If you are ashamed of me, I will be ashamed of
you.”

I have in my hands two boxes,
Which God gave me to hold?
He said, “Put all your sorrows in the black box,
And all your joys in the gold.”

I heeded His words, and in the two boxes,
Both my joys and sorrows I stored,
But though the gold became heavier each day,
The black was as light as before.
With curiosity, I opened the black,
I wanted to find out why,
And I saw, in the base of the box, a hole,
Which my sorrows had fallen out by.

I showed the hole to God, and mused,
“I wonder where my sorrows could be!”
He smiled a gentle smile and said,
“My child, they’re all here with me.”

I asked God, why He gave me the boxes,
Why the gold and the black with the hole?
“My child, the gold is for you to count your blessings,
The black is for you to let go.”

We should consider all of our friends a blessing.
Send this to a friend today just to let them know you are thinking
of them and that they are a joy in your life.

A ball is a circle, no beginning, no end
It keeps us together like our Circle of Friends.
But the treasure inside for you to see,
Is the treasure of friendship you’ve granted to me.

Today I pass the friendship ball to you.
Pass it on to someone who is a friend to you…

Okay, here goes, instantly when you receive this
letter, you should send it to at least 10 people to brighten their
day.

One of those chain letter types where we don’t really understand the idea of “threatening” someone for not doing what it says- forwarding it to an x number of people to spread the scare! We’ve been dead over a hundred times if we believed the consequence of any of the chain letters we received over the course of our lives. We’ve had suffered though bad luck after bad luck for not following any of the things it says. It’s absolute silliness!

It’s been around since we were kids- only then it was different; they were either mailed directly to you by post or left in pews in churches or sneaked in books in the library or just scattered anywhere in a public area. Now there’s emailing, it’s still around… with the immediacy of the internet, sending it is hassle-free- just one click of a button: send to all!

We say caveat to this!

________ o _______

This is without a doubt one of the nicest good luck forwards I have received. Hope it works for you — and me!

Lotus Touts: You have 6 minutes

There’s some mighty fine advice in these words, even if you’re not superstitious. This Lotus Touts has been sent to you for good luck from the Anthony Robbins organization. It has been sent around the world ten times so far.

Do not keep this message.

The Lotus Touts must leave your hands in 6 MINUTES. Otherwise you will get a very unpleasant surprise. This is true, even if you are not superstitious, agnostic, or otherwise faith impaired.

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.

THREE. Don’t believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.

FOUR. When you say, ‘I love you,’ mean it.

FIVE. When you say, ‘I’m sorry,’ look the person in the eye.

SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.

EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone’s dreams. People who don’t have dreams don’t have much.

NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it’s the only way to live life completely.

TEN.. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

ELEVEN. Don’t judge people by their relatives.

TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.

THIRTEEN! .. When someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer, smile and ask, ‘Why do you want to know?’

FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

FIFTEEN. Say ‘bless you’ when you hear someone sneeze.

SIXTEEN. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.

SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R’s: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.

EIGHTEEN. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

NINETEEN. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.

TWENTY- ONE. Spend some time alone.

Now, here’s the FUN part!
Send this to at least 5 people and your life will improve. 1-4 people: Your life will improve slightly.
5-9 people: Your life will improve to your liking.
9-14 people: You will have at least 5 surprises in the next 3 weeks

15 and above: Your life will improve drastically and everything you ever dreamed of will begin to take shape.

A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.

Do not keep this message .