I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed..hmmmm

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST ALSO SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat shit in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s Novena has granted my every wish.

I can’t have a drink in a bar because I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO ALL OF YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face.. Disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise. And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan

I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my ass.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can’t ever pick up a Toonie dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over..

I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.

I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician . . .

Oh, by the way…..

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.

PS: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

Before you return from your business trip
I just want to let you know about the

Small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway.

Fortunately not too bad and I really didn’t get hurt, so please don’t worry too

Much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I

Accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.

The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when

it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will

forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.

I am enclosing a picture for you.
I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife.
XXX

But it was the folks in Heaven
who made me sputter and gasp–
the thieves, the liars, the sinners,
the alcoholics and the trash.

There stood the kid from seventh grade
who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to him was my old neighbor
who never said anything nice.

Herb, who I always thought
was rotting away in hell,
was sitting pretty on cloud nine,
looking incredibly well.

I nudged Jesus, “What’s the deal?
I would love to hear Your take.
How’d all these sinners get up here?
God must’ve made a mistake.

“And why’s everyone so quiet,
so somber – give me a clue.”
“Hush, child,” He said, “they’re all in shock.
No one thought they’d be seeing you.”

Judge NOT.

Dementia Quiz

Below are four (4) questions and a Bonus question to test your perception, reasoning and the quickness of your logical processing.

They are stated simply so you should try to answer them instantly.
To assure the accuracy of the results, you should not take your time , but instead, answer each of them immediately.

OK?

Let’s find out just how clever you really are….

.
Ready? GO!!! (scroll down slowly to uncover Q’s and A’s )

First Question :

You are a participant in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<

Answer : If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely WRONG! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, YOU are in second place!

Try not to screw up next time. Now answer the second question, but don’t take as much time as you took for the first question, OK?

Second Question :

If you overtake the last person, then you are…?
(scroll down)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Answer : If you answered that you are second to last, then you are ; ;WRONG again. Tell me Sunshine, how can you overtake the LAST person??

You’re not very good at this, are you?

Third Question :

Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator.
Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 Now add 30 . Add another 1000 . Now add 20.  Now add another 1000 . Now add 10 . What is the total?

Scroll down for the correct answer…….

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you get 5000 ?

The correct answer is actually 4100 .

If you don’t believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it ?

Maybe you’ll get the last question right… Maybe…

Fourth Question:

Mary’s father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono, and ??? What is the name of the fifth daughter?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you Answer Nunu? NO! Of course it isn’t.
Her name is Mary you retard! Read the question again!

Okay, now the Bonus round,
i.e., a final chance to redeem yourself:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It’s really very simple
He opens his mouth and asks for it…

Does your employer actually pay you to think??
If so Do NOT let them see your answers for this test!

PASS TH IS ON TO FRUSTRATE THE
SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE!
Have a nice day, one and all.

‘What?’ said the puzzled groom.

‘How can that be possible if you’ve been married ten times.?’

‘Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he just kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he’d look into it and get back with me..
Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it. .

Husband #10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was …
God I miss him.

‘But now that I’ve married you, I’m so excited’.
‘Wonderful’, said the husband, ‘but why?
To which she replied,
‘You’re with the ‘GOVERNMENT‘ . ..
This time I KNOW I’M gonna get SCREWED.

Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Army fatigues and stuck a patch onto the front of my shirt that I had downloaded off the Internet.

When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren’t that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.

Here’s the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you’re in need of quicker emergency service.

It also works at DMV and the Laundromat.

Don’t try it at McDonald’s, the whole crew will exit and you’ll never get your order.

“Our wedding entrance dance to Forever…yeah, forever. It took place at a Church in Saint Paul, Minnesota.”
- The Kheinz

Song: Forever
Songwriters: Brown, Christopher M; Jones, Jamal Fincher; Merritt, Andre Darrell; Seals, Brian Kennedy

[Intro:]
1, 2, 3, 4…
Hey (eh)
Forever
Hey (eh)
Forever

[Verse 1:]
It’s you, and me
Movin’ at the speed of light into eternity (yeah)
Tonight, is the night
To join me in the middle of ecstasy
Feel the melody and the rhythm of the music around you (around you)

[Bridge:]
Ima take you there, Ima take you there
So don’t be scared, I’m right here, you ready
We can go anywhere
Go anywhere
But first, it’s your chance
Take my hand
Come with me

[Chorus:]
It’s like I waited my whole life
For this one night
It’s gon be me you and the dance floor
Cuz we only got one night
Double your pleasure
Double your fun
And dance forever ever ever
Forever ever ever
Forever ever ever
Forever (forever)
Ever ever ever
Forever ever ever
Forever ever ever
Forever on the dance floor

[Verse 2:]
Feels like were on another level (ohh ahh)
Feels like our loves intertwine
We can be two rebels
Breakin’ the rules
Me and you
You and I
All you gotta do is watch me
Look what I can do with my feet, baby
Feel the beat inside
I’m drivin’, you could take the front seat (front seat)
Just need you to trust me (trust me)
Girl girl girl
It’s like now

[Chorus:]
It’s like I waited my whole life (oh)
For this one night (one night)
It’s gon be me you and the dance floor (dance floor)
Cuz we only got one night (ohh)
Double your pleasure
Double your fun (yeah)
And dance forever ever ever (ohh)
Forever ever ever (ever)
Forever ever ever (ever)
Forever (forever)
Ever ever ever (ever)
Forever ever ever (ever)
Forever ever ever (ever)
Forever on the dance floor

[Verse 3:]
It’s a long way down
We so high off the ground
Sendin’ for an angel to bring me your heart
Girl where did you come from?
Got me so undone
Gazin’ in your eyes got me sayin’
What a beautiful lady
No ifs ands or maybes
I’m releasin my heart
And it’s feelin’ amazing
There’s no one else that matters
You love me
And I wont let you fall girl
Let you fall girl (ahh ohh oh oh yeah)
Yeah, I wont let you fall
Let you fall
Let you fall (ohh ohh)
Yeah yeah
Yeah yeah

[Chorus + Ad Libs:]
It’s like
It’s like I waited my whole life (whole life)
For this one night (one night)
It’s gon be me you and the dance floor (me you and the dance floor)
Cuz we only got one night
Double your pleasure
Double your fun
And dance forever ever ever
Forever ever ever
Forever ever ever
Forever
Ever ever ever
Forever ever ever
Forever ever ever
Forever on the dance floor

[Outro:]
Ohh oh oh oh oh oh ohhh yeah
Forever ever ever ever
Forever ever ohh

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX

2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall. ‘Big breaths,’ I instructed. ‘Yes, they used to be,’ replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA .

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a ‘massive internal fart.’

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient’s two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. ‘Which one?’ I asked. ‘The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours, and now I’m running out of places to put it!’ I had him quickly undress, and discovered what I hoped I wouldn’t see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA.

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, ‘How long have you been bedridden?’ After a look of complete confusion, she answered…’Why, not for about twenty years — when my husband was alive.’

Submitted by Dr. Steve n Swanson, Corvallis , OR

6. I was caring for a woman and asked, ‘So, how’s your breakfast this morning?’ ‘It’s very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used to the taste,’ the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly, and the woman produced a foil packet labeled ‘KY Jelly.’

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, ‘Keep off the grass.’ Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient’s dressing, which said, ‘Sorry, had to mow the lawn.’

Submitted by RN, no name

AND FINALLY!!!…

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, ‘I’m sorry. Was I tickling you?’ She replied, ‘No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, ‘I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.’

Doctor wouldn’t submit his name (Can’t blame him!)

FROM WIKI: O Fortuna is a poem from Carmina Burana, a collection of Latin poems written in early 13th century. Fortuna is the goddess of fortune in Roman Mythology. German composer Carl Orff selected 24 poems from the collection and set them to new music between 1935 and 1936. O Fortuna is the most famous movement from Orff’s Carmina Burana composition, and opens and closes the cycle.