Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, “Will you marry me?”

The Princess said, No!!!

And the Prince lived happily ever after…

and rode motorcycles and banged skinny long-legged big-titted broads, and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was freakin’ cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

The end.

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband to ‘Please be gentle; I’m still a virgin’.

‘What?’ said the puzzled groom.

‘How can that be possible if you’ve been married ten times.?’

‘Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he just kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he’d look into it and get back with me..
Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it. .

Husband #10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was …
God I miss him.

‘But now that I’ve married you, I’m so excited’.
‘Wonderful’, said the husband, ‘but why?
To which she replied,
‘You’re with the ‘GOVERNMENT‘ . ..
This time I KNOW I’M gonna get SCREWED.

This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.

When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her,

“What did you steal?” She replied, “A can of peaches.”

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.

The judge then said, “I will then give you 6 days in jail.”

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman’s husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, “What is it?” The husband said, “She also stole a can of peas.”

A couple drove down a country road for several miles,
not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to
concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked
sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?”
“Yep,” the wife replied, “In-laws.”

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many
words women use a
day… 30,000 to a man’s 15,000.
The wife replied, “The reason has to be because we
have to repeat everything
to men…
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, “What?”

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, “I don’t know how you
can be so stupid and
so beautiful all at the same time.
“The wife responded, “Allow me to explain. God made
me beautiful so you
would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I
would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee
each morning.
The wife said, “You should do it, because you get up
first, and then we
don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.”
The husband said, “You are in charge of cooking around
here and you should
do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait
for my coffee.”
Wife replies, “No, you should do it, and besides, it
is in the Bible that
the man should do the coffee.”
Husband replies, “I can’t believe that, show me.”
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the
top of several pages that it indeed says……….
“HEBREWS”

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each
other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would
need his wife to wake
him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the
first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a
piece of paper, “Please
wake me at 5:00 AM.” He left it where he knew she
would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it
was 9:00 AM and he
had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife
hadn’t wakened him, when he
noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.”

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman, but there is
always a rough draft
Before the masterpiece.

SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN
YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT

One of those chain letter types where we don’t really understand the idea of “threatening” someone for not doing what it says- forwarding it to an x number of people to spread the scare! We’ve been dead over a hundred times if we believed the consequence of any of the chain letters we received over the course of our lives. We’ve had suffered though bad luck after bad luck for not following any of the things it says. It’s absolute silliness!

It’s been around since we were kids- only then it was different; they were either mailed directly to you by post or left in pews in churches or sneaked in books in the library or just scattered anywhere in a public area. Now there’s emailing, it’s still around… with the immediacy of the internet, sending it is hassle-free- just one click of a button: send to all!

We say caveat to this!

________ o _______

This is without a doubt one of the nicest good luck forwards I have received. Hope it works for you — and me!

Lotus Touts: You have 6 minutes

There’s some mighty fine advice in these words, even if you’re not superstitious. This Lotus Touts has been sent to you for good luck from the Anthony Robbins organization. It has been sent around the world ten times so far.

Do not keep this message.

The Lotus Touts must leave your hands in 6 MINUTES. Otherwise you will get a very unpleasant surprise. This is true, even if you are not superstitious, agnostic, or otherwise faith impaired.

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.

THREE. Don’t believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.

FOUR. When you say, ‘I love you,’ mean it.

FIVE. When you say, ‘I’m sorry,’ look the person in the eye.

SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.

EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone’s dreams. People who don’t have dreams don’t have much.

NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it’s the only way to live life completely.

TEN.. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

ELEVEN. Don’t judge people by their relatives.

TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.

THIRTEEN! .. When someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer, smile and ask, ‘Why do you want to know?’

FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

FIFTEEN. Say ‘bless you’ when you hear someone sneeze.

SIXTEEN. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.

SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R’s: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.

EIGHTEEN. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

NINETEEN. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.

TWENTY- ONE. Spend some time alone.

Now, here’s the FUN part!
Send this to at least 5 people and your life will improve. 1-4 people: Your life will improve slightly.
5-9 people: Your life will improve to your liking.
9-14 people: You will have at least 5 surprises in the next 3 weeks

15 and above: Your life will improve drastically and everything you ever dreamed of will begin to take shape.

A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.

Do not keep this message .

How is an inconsiderate husband defined?
-One who wins a trip to Disneyland and never takes his wife with him.

How does a man help with the household chores?
- By lifting his legs while you vacuum and placing the newspaper in the right place.

What’s 50-50 relationship for men?
- Women cook, men eat; women, clean, men throw their trash anywhere; women iron, men wrinkle.

What’s the only way to oblige a man to sit-ups?
- Place the remote control between his toes.

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed
home.

He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

“Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife
merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please
allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.”

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man’s wish..

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. -

He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,

Awakened the kids,

Set out their school clothes,

Fed them breakfast,

Packed their lunches,

Drove them to school,

Came home and

Picked up the dry cleaning,

Took it to the cleaners and

Stopped at the bank to make a deposit,

Went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries,

Paid the bills and balanced the check book.

He cleaned the cat’s litter box and bathed the dog.

Then it was already 1P.M. And he hurried to make the beds,

Do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and

Mop the kitchen floor.

Ran to the school to pick up the kids and

Got into an argument with them on the way home.

Set out milk and cookies and

Got the kids organized to do their homework,

Then set up the ironing board and

Watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and

Washing vegetables for salad,

Breaded the pork chops and

Snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen,

Ran the dishwasher,

Folded laundry,

Bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9 P.M. He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren’t finished,

He went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to
get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said:

-”Lord, I don’t know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my
wife’s’ being able to stay home all day. Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us
trade back.”

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:

“My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to
change things back to the way they were. You’ll just have to wait nine
months though. You got pregnant last night.”

____________________________
____________________________

This has been voted Women’s Favorite E-mail of the Year!
If you agree, send it to all your friends who would enjoy this.

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. “Tie me up,” she purred, “and you can do anything you want.”

So he tied her up and went golfing.

**************************************************

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, “Honey, pack your bags, I won the lottery!”

The husband said, “Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?”

“Doesn’t matter,” she said. “Just get out.”

**************************************************

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

**************************************************

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters: ‘C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.’

“Can you read this?” the optician asked.

“Read it?” the Polish guy replied, “I know the guy.”

**************************************************

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,”I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.”

“Thank God,” said an elderly nun at the back. “I’m so tired of chardonnay.”

**************************************************

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

“Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”

The wife stared at him. “What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”

The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”

***************************************************

Copy-paste and forward this to at least 5 people and see what comes on your screen, you will laugh your head off!!!!!!!

This works. I don’t know how…