Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, “Will you marry me?”

The Princess said, No!!!

And the Prince lived happily ever after…

and rode motorcycles and banged skinny long-legged big-titted broads, and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was freakin’ cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

The end.

Author Unknown

Little girl and her father were crossing a bridge.
The father was kind of scared so he asked his little daughter,
“Sweetheart, please hold my hand so that you don’t fall into the
river.”
The little girl said, “No, Dad. You hold my hand.”
“What’s the difference?” Asked the puzzled father.
“There’s a big difference,” replied the little girl.

“If I hold your hand and something happens to me,
chances are that I may let your hand go.
But if you hold my hand, I know for sure that no matter what happens,
you will never let my hand go.”

In any relationship, the essence of trust is not in its bind, but in
its bond.

So hold the hand of the person who loves you rather than expecting
them to hold yours…

Author Unknown

Two friends were walking through the desert. In a specific point of
the journey, they had an argument, and one friend slapped the other
one in the face. The one who got slapped was hurt, but…without
saying anything, wrote in the sand:

TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE.

They kept on walking until they found an oasis, where they decided to
take a
bath. The one who got slapped and hurt started drowning, and the other
friend saved him. When he recovered from the fright, he wrote on a
stone:

TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SAVED MY LIFE.

The friend who saved and slapped his best friend, asked him “Why,
after I hurt you, did you write in the sand, and now you write on a
stone?”

The other friend, smiling, replied, “When a friend hurts us, we should
write it down in the sand, where the winds of forgiveness get in
charge of erasing it away, and when something great happens, we should
engrave it in the stone of the memory of the heart, where no wind can
erase it.”

Learn to write in the sand.

Once upon a time two brothers who lived on adjoining farms fell into conflict. It was the first serious rift in 40 years of farming side by side, sharing machinery, and trading labor and goods as needed without a hitch.

Then the long collaboration fell apart. It began with a small misunderstanding and it grew into a major difference, and finally it exploded into an exchange of bitter words followed by weeks of silence.

One morning there was a knock on John’s door. He opened it to find a man with a carpenter’s toolbox. “I’m looking for a few days work” he said. “Perhaps you would have a few small jobs here and there I could help with? Could I help you?”

“Yes,” said the older brother. “I do have a job for you. Look across the creek at that farm. That’s my neighbor, in fact, it’s my younger brother. “Last week there was a meadow between us and he took his bulldozer to the river levee and now there is a creek between us. Well, he may have done this to spite me, but I’ll give him one better. See that pile of lumber by the barn? I want you to build me a fence, an 8-foot fence, so I won’t need to see his place or his face anymore.”

The carpenter said, “I think I understand the situation. Show me the nails and the post-hole digger and I’ll be able to do a job that pleases you.”

The older brother had to go to town, so he helped the carpenter get the materials ready and then he was off for the day. The carpenter worked hard all that day measuring, sawing, nailing. About sunset when the farmer returned, the carpenter had just finished his job. The farmer’s eyes opened wide, his jaw dropped.

There was no fence there at all. It was a bridge — a bridge stretching from one side of the creek to the other! A fine piece of work — handrails and all — and the neighbor, his younger brother, was coming across, his hand outstretched.
“You are quite a fellow to build this bridge after all I’ve said and done.”

The two brothers stood at each end of the bridge, and then they met in the middle, taking each other’s hand. They turned to see the carpenter hoist his toolbox on his shoulder.

“No, wait! Stay a few days. I’ve a lot of other projects for you,” said the older brother. “I’d love to stay on,” the carpenter said, “but, I have many more bridges to build.”

- 0 -

KEEP THIS IN MIND:
God won’t ask what kind of car you drove;
He’ll ask how many people you drove who didn’t have transportation
God won’t ask the square footage of your house;
He’ll ask how many people you welcomed into your home.
God won’t ask about the clothes you had in your closet;
He’ll ask how many you helped to clothe.
God won’t ask about your social status;
He will ask what kind of class you displayed.
God won’t ask how many material possessions you had;
He’ll ask if they dictated your life.
God won’t ask what your highest salary was;
He’ll ask if you compromised your character to obtain it.
God won’t ask how much overtime you worked;
He’ll ask if your overtime work was for yourself or for your family.
God won’t ask how many promotions you received;
He’ll ask how you promoted others.
God won’t ask what your job title was;
He’ll ask if you performed that job to the best of your ability.
God won’t ask what you did to help yourself;
He’ll ask what you did to help others.
God won’t ask how many friends you had;
He’ll ask how many people to whom you were a friend.
God won’t ask what you did to protect your rights;
He’ll ask what you did to protect the rights of others.
God won’t ask in what neighborhood you lived;
He’ll ask how you treated your neighbors.
God won’t ask about the color of your skin;
He’ll ask about the content of your character.
God won’t ask how many times your deeds matched your words;
He’ll ask how many times they didn’t.
God won’t ask why it took you so long to seek Salvation;
He’ll lovingly take you to your mansion in heaven, and not to the gates of Hell.
God won’t ask how many people you forwarded this to;
He’ll ask if you were ashamed to pass it on to your friends.

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. “Tie me up,” she purred, “and you can do anything you want.”

So he tied her up and went golfing.

**************************************************

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, “Honey, pack your bags, I won the lottery!”

The husband said, “Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?”

“Doesn’t matter,” she said. “Just get out.”

**************************************************

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

**************************************************

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters: ‘C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.’

“Can you read this?” the optician asked.

“Read it?” the Polish guy replied, “I know the guy.”

**************************************************

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,”I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.”

“Thank God,” said an elderly nun at the back. “I’m so tired of chardonnay.”

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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

“Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”

The wife stared at him. “What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”

The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”

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Copy-paste and forward this to at least 5 people and see what comes on your screen, you will laugh your head off!!!!!!!

This works. I don’t know how…