From a strictly mathematical viewpoint . . . . .

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever
wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We
have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over
100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard Work
and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there,
it’s the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top

The population of this country, the United States is 300 million.

160 million are retired.

That leaves 140 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal
government.

Leaving 15 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing
Osama Bin-Laden.

Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for
state and city Governments.

And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are,

Sitting on your ass,

At your computer, reading jokes.

Nice. Real nice.

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel, ”

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that?”

“It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies.

“Great,” the husband says, “did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

Moral of the story

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

*********

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”

The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.”

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129 It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”

Moral of the story

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

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Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish.”

“Me first! Me first!” says the admin clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.”

Puff!  She’s gone.

“Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.”

Puff! He’s gone.

“OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

Moral of the story

Always let your boss have the first say.

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Lesson 4:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing?”

The eagle answered: “Sure , why not.”

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

*********

Lesson 5:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey,”but I haven’t got the energy.”

“Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull.

They’re packed with nutrients.”

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story

Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

*********

Lesson 6:

A little bird was flying south for the Winter.It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of this story

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

New Recruit

You are listening to Stevie Wonder
(Your first day at work and all is fine and great)

A couple of months into the job

You are listening to HOUSE music
(After a while you are so busy that you are not sure if you coming or going anymore)

Your team is understaffed and your boss needs more more more

You are listening to Metal.

The days blur into each other

You are listening to Hip Hop
(You become bloated due to stress, feel sluggish and suffer from constipation)

A year in

You are listening to GANGSTA RAP
(After more time passes, your eyes start to twitch, you forget what a ‘good hair day’ feels like as you just fall out of bed and load up on caffeine!!)

And Finally

you have been here a year

You are listening to Techno
and have gone a bit doolaly

Dress Code

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.

If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore do not need a raise.

If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore do not need a raise.

************

Sick Days

We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness.

If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

************

Personal Days

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

************

Toilet Use

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls.

At the end of the three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken.

After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the “Chronic Offenders category”.

Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company’s mental health policy!

You are allowed to use the rest room only thrice a day and you have to swipe in and out from the toilet doors also.

************

Lunch Break

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a slim fast.

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Mails

Don’t read junk and forwarded mails.

************
Thank you for your loyalty to our company.

We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, All questions, comments,concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management.

A man came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find his 5-year old son waiting for him at the door.

SON: ‘Daddy, may I ask you a question?’
DAD: ‘Yeah sure, what it is?’ replied the man.

SON: ‘Daddy, how much do you make an hour?’
DAD: ‘That’s none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?’ the man said angrily.

SON: ‘I just want to know.. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?’
DAD: ‘If you must know, I make $20.00 an hour.’ SON:

‘Oh,’ the little boy replied, with his head down.

SON: ‘Daddy, may I please borrow $10.00 ?’

The father was furious, ‘If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you are being so selfish. I work hard everyday for such this childish behaviour.’

The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door. The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy’s questions. How dare he ask such questions only to get some money?

After about an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think: Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $10.00 and he really didn’t ask for money very often. The man went to the door of the little boy’s room and opened the door.

‘Are you asleep, son?’ He asked.
‘No daddy, I’m awake,’ replied the boy.

‘I’ve been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier’ said the man.
‘It’s been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here’s the $10.00 you asked for.’
The little boy sat straight up, smiling. ‘Oh, thank you daddy!’ He yelled.

Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills. The man saw that the boy already had money, started to get angry again. The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then looked up at his father.

‘Why do you want more money if you already have some?’ the father grumbled.

‘Because I didn’t have enough, but now I do,’ the little boy replied.
‘Daddy, I have $20.00 now. Can I buy an hour of your time?
Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with you.’

The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little son, and he begged for his forgiveness. It’s just a short reminder to all of you working so hard in life. We should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to us, those close to our hearts.

Do remember to share that $20.00 worth of your time with someone you love. If we die tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of days. But the family & friends we leave behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives.

And come to think of it, we pour ourselves more into work than to our family.

PLS READ WITH FAITH.. This is an awesome prayer.

Believe it and you shall be blessed.

The problem with many of us is that we don’t believe that God will open a Window and pour out blessings that we won’t have room to receive them. I Dare anyone to try God. He is true to His word. God cannot lie and His Promises are sure.

Three things will happen to you this coming week:

(1) You will find favour with someone you don’t expect;
(2) You will be too relevant to be ignored;
(3) You will encounter God and you will never remain the same again.

My prayer for you today:

The eyes beholding this message shall not behold evil, the hands that will Send this message to others shall not labour in vain, the mouth saying Amen. To this prayer shall laugh forever. Remain in God’s love as you send this Prayer to everybody y on y our list. Have a lovely journey of life! Trust In the Lord with all your heart and He will never fail you because He is AWESOME!

If you truly need a blessing, continue reading this email:

Heavenly Father, most Gracious and Loving God, I pray to you that you Abundantly bless my family and me. I know that you recognize, that a Family is more than just a mother, father, sister, brother, husband and wife, but all who believe and trust in you. Father, I send up a prayer request for blessings for not only the person who sent this to me, but for me and all that I have forwarded this message on to. And that the power of joined prayer by those who believe and trust in you is more powerful than anything.. I thank you in advance for your blessings.

Father God, deliver the person reading this right now from debt and debt’s burdens. Release your Godly wisdom that I may be a good steward over all that You have given me Father, for I know how wonderful and mighty you are and how if we just obey you and walk In your word and have the faith of a mustard seed that you will pour out blessings. I thank you now Lord for the recent blessings I have received and for the blessings yet to come because I know you are not done with me yet.

In Jesus’ name, I pray. Amen

TAKE 60 SECONDS and send this on quickly and within hours, you will have caused a multitude of people to pray to God for each other.

Then sit back and watch the power of God work in your life for doing the thing that you know He loves. Remain Blessed!!!

Have an awesome day.

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana’s death.

Question: How come?

Answer: An English princess
with an Egyptian boyfriend
crashes in a French tunnel,
driving a German car
with a Dutch engine,
driven by a Belgian who was drunk
on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling)
followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,
on Japanese motorcycles;
treated by an American doctor,
using Brazilian medicines.

This is sent to you by an African,
using Bill Gates’s – (an American) technology
and you’re probably reading this on your computer, that use Taiwanese chips,
and a Korean monitor,
assembled by Bangladeshi workers
in a Singaporean plant,
transported by Indian lousy-drivers,
hijacked by Indonesians,
unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,
and trucked to you by Mexicans
..and now being read by a **Filipino who should be working instead!

That, my friend, is Globalization

____________________
**insert Nationality to change

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed
home.

He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

“Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife
merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please
allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.”

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man’s wish..

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. -

He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,

Awakened the kids,

Set out their school clothes,

Fed them breakfast,

Packed their lunches,

Drove them to school,

Came home and

Picked up the dry cleaning,

Took it to the cleaners and

Stopped at the bank to make a deposit,

Went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries,

Paid the bills and balanced the check book.

He cleaned the cat’s litter box and bathed the dog.

Then it was already 1P.M. And he hurried to make the beds,

Do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and

Mop the kitchen floor.

Ran to the school to pick up the kids and

Got into an argument with them on the way home.

Set out milk and cookies and

Got the kids organized to do their homework,

Then set up the ironing board and

Watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and

Washing vegetables for salad,

Breaded the pork chops and

Snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen,

Ran the dishwasher,

Folded laundry,

Bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9 P.M. He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren’t finished,

He went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to
get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said:

-”Lord, I don’t know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my
wife’s’ being able to stay home all day. Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us
trade back.”

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:

“My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to
change things back to the way they were. You’ll just have to wait nine
months though. You got pregnant last night.”

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